Jul 2, 2010

Mourning and Regret

I got a phone call late last night from my mom.

My grandpa passed away at home, in his sleep.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you all day, we wanted you to come to the hospital to say your goodbyes...."

I apologize for not receiving the calls. I had been off doing some frivolous thing, unaware of the life altering events unfolding not even a mile away from me.

I hang up. I feel numb. I feel sad.

But mostly I feel regret.

How many times had I not stopped by to say hello when I was in town? It would have taken 10 minutes to brighten the day of a man and a woman I so greatly admire. What else was so much more important?

How many letters to them had gone unfinished? Pictures not sent? How many times had I envisioned this scenario, knowing I should be doing more to nurture a relationship that meant a so much to me?

I'll do it later. I'm busy now. They will understand. I have time.....

I start to cry.

No more time.....

My Grandfather was an amazing man. Always happy, cracking jokes. Even when he got really sick and was confined to bed, he would still manage to make me laugh. He loved his family with fierceness and wanted us all to be obedient and strong in the gospel.

I remember when I was a teenager and was visiting with him, he asked me to bear my testimony. At fist it was awkward, I stumbled through the basics...naming all the things I was thankful for. As I continued on, the spirit became so strong and I really felt a knowledge of Gods love for me and who I was. I also felt of my grandpas love for me and his desire to see me live a happy life.

I know he still loves me, even though as the years have gone on I haven't spent as much time with him as I would have liked. I also know he knows that I love him.  I have tried my best to take his life as an example and live mine the way he would have wanted. Although he is gone, I know that I will see him again one day and that knowledge is what takes a sad time in my life and turns it into a joyful one.

May we all remember our love ones and cherish the time we have with them on this earth. We never know when that time will be gone from us....

God be with you 'till we meet again.


  1. I'm sorry ash! Grandpas are so special!

    We miss you guys! Syd talks about Eden all the time :)

  2. thank you for this post...I am so sorry for your loss, but it made me think that I need to stop every once in a while and take action: visit someone, write a letter, call on the phone, etc. Thanks ashleigh!


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